Giving and receiving: When your loved one is struggling

"To learn to give, you have to learn to receive," a sister told me years ago.


It is the toughest advice I ever had to swallow but one I think I benefit from each day.

My baby boy was just a baby, my husband was out of work, and the great recession was in its beginnings. Everyone was scared. And so was I.

This was the year that Christmas came from loved ones - and many secret Santas I'm still grateful for. They blessed us with diapers, clothes, toys for the children. I spent that Christmas day in half tears, devastated by the fact we ourselves couldn't provide things for our family. The Kroger gift card - giving us a week's worth of groceries - drove the point home. Never intended, but our situation was too raw.

I learned my "lesson" that year and despite our financial situation tucked away a few things over the year (clearance summer clothes, etc.), determined not to be empty under the tree.

But it took even longer for me to learn the real lesson. Whatever we have - no matter how little - is a gift from God, and we always have the chance to grace others and share blessings.

Here are some ways we've learned to bless others - and some tips for friends and family who are on the "other side" wanting to help:

Blessing When You're Broke

• Time and talent: I always try to remember that in our church they talk about gifts of time, talent and treasure. (Note the treasure is last!) Gifts of time and talent can make such a difference - whether it's donating time to a charitable organization or making an upcycled gift.
  
  In the last few years, while we try to recover from our financial upset, we have redoubled our efforts to help, whether it's at school, scouts or church. Not only does it provide needed volunteer support, but my children will remember that mom and dad were there! Maybe you can't donate to the Angel Tree; can you help wrap gifts or deliver them?
  
  The gift of time is simple too. While I don't do gifts for friends, we do invite them for cookie making - treasured time when everyone is so busy! Or offer to babysit one night for a dear friend.
• Use ExtraBucks wisely. As we don't have a lot of extra money right now, we are very careful in what we can donate. But I have recently realized that ExtraBuck deals can bless others. Now I buy nearly free diapers for our Gabriel Project at church or free foods or medications for the church food pantry. Every bit helps.
• Reach out. I believe people naturally want to help others but sometimes we need to give them the opportunity. A woman at church knew a family whose home burnt. She certainly couldn't help them in all the ways they needed, so she reached out. And we reached out. A few phone calls later and I had not only clothes for one daughter from us but also clothes for a son and decorations for a Christmas tree I had heard was being donated to the family.

Helping Loved Ones Who are Financially Struggling

• Don't be afraid to ask what they need...and gently encourage them to share. Do the kids need new shoes? PJs? Maybe they need diapers (or maybe cloth ones they can reuse?) or gas cards?  Be specific. Saying to let me know if you need anything, or asking what I can do to help may not get you far.
• Help meet emotional needs. While you're not a therapist, even something as simple as movie tickets and an offer to watch the kids for a night can give parents the emotional break from the constant worry of a situation.
• Be practical without feeling"practical." Sure you could buy groceries, but you can also buy a basket of locally made spaghetti sauces, breads and salad dressings (for example) from the winter farmers market or buy a gift certificate to a local produce delivery service. It makes the ordinary - cooking and worrying about feeding the family - feel a bit more decadent.
• Consider experience gifts for the kids. My mother one year bought the kids soccer and dance lessons at the parks department instead of toys. She likely even saved money, but more importantly, the kids felt a little more "normal" and for once weren't turned down when they asked to do an activity.
• Take the focus, if you can, off money. Invite them for a popcorn and Christmas movie night at your house, take them to a free or low-cost Christmas event, go caroling or looking at the Christmas lights, or invite the kids out for an afternoon of sledding.
• Remember, while they appreciate it, it's also hard to receive. Being in a position of constant worry is difficult, and it's hard to learn to receive gracefully.

Green Phone Booth: Putting my son out of work

Today at the Green Phone Booth, I'm writing about how to cut my 3 year old's career prospects. Check it out.

Counting my blessings

It is one thing to see families lined up against a wall, waiting for food, in Depression-era photos in your history book.

It's another thing to see them on a weekday morning on your way to work.

It's tough to see a mom, in not the warmest of jackets and jeans, huddling to keep her little girl warm as they wait. Especially when she's not much bigger than your baby.

It's tough to give people dignity that they have every right to be there, while respecting your privacy.

And it's tough to not walk away crying.

Yes, yesterday morning rocked my day. I'd found a place that collected clothing for families in need, and wanted to make the most of any outgrown kids clothing and coats we had collected. And as I dropped the bags off that morning, I couldn't help but pray for them. And count my blessings.

For every frustration I have about stretching my funds to pay my bills, my heat is on this chilly morning.

For every frustration I have about my kids not wearing their hoods, they have hoods to wear on their coats.

For every frustration I have over lost mittens, my kids have mittens to lose - and I can, in a moment of desperation, buy another cheap pair at the Dollar Spot.

For every frustration I have over my kids refusing to eat, at least they have something to refuse.

For every frustration I have about my job (and Lord knows, I have my share), I've got one.

For every frustration I have about my messy house, at least I have a roof on my head.

For every frustration I have with friends or family, I know they're behind me.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Offering holiday support to unemployed loved ones

The holiday season can be a happy time, but for friends and family who are unemployed, it can be a time of anxiety and stress. Today, I'm guest-posting at Life as Mom on how you can help your loved ones during this Christmas season.

Confessions of a light green, going-for-broke mom

There’s guilt about being caught. And there’s true remorse and changing ways.

I think the same can be said about frugality and being green. You can do it because of circumstances beyond your control, or you can do it because it matters. Right now, I’m trying to see where I fit.

I’ll be honest in that this recession hit our family hard. My husband’s industry was one of the first to be hit, and we’ve lost roughly $50,000 in income over the last 14 months. 50 grand can do a lot of things, and losing it hurts. I won't even go into how bad. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t make the most of a seemingly bad situation.

Going to a one-income family has taught us a lot of lessons. You might see green, but we’re being radically frugal in our lifestyle. Gone are the daily cups of soda from Speedway. Gone are meals and movies out, replaced from cooking at home, often from scratch – and the kind of scratch that doesn’t come in a box. We fill out our children’s ever-outgrowing wardrobe with hand-me-downs and resale shop finds. And I’m trying to hold off as long as we can to buy anything.

The funny thing is, we've learned to live in such a way that I'm surprised we "needed" all of that income in the first place. I'm sure there was a lot that was quite simply wasted. It kind of makes you wonder where our priorities were.

That’s not to say this green thing is a sham. I’d wanted to reduce the chemicals in my home, and we were weeding the vast number of cleaners out of our home already, replacing it whenever we could with a general cleaner, or even better, vinegar or baking soda when needed. (It’s amazing how easily that works.) I love fresh produce, so we hit the farmers market hard, and this season, started our own gardens, to moderate success. We worried about chemicals, so we now grow them naturally, for better or worse. I felt guilty about those plastic poopy diapers sitting in landfills for eternity, and we’ve settled into a pattern of cloth at home, disposal at day care. I scour the organics section of the grocery to find steals, and I’m thrilled when I do.

Have I truly changed? I don’t know. Like a dieter who’s craving chocolate, I think about the things I want to buy but are simply out of reach at this time. I’d love to replace a lot of things in our home that are outdated and just worn out. I’d love to update my wardrobe. I’d love to relax with a brand-new book with that newly printed smell. I live vicariously through the people I know who travel, eagerly listening for a crumb of their adventures, of which I’m not able to partake for the very long future.

The thing is, I think I’m not alone. Our country went into a no-buying panic mode for six months or so, and finally has given up and gone back to consumerism. If this Cash for Clunkers program is any consideration, I think as a country we’re itching to buy something, we just don’t have the resources.

I’m curious to see how I’ll turn out. For my family, we plan to hang tight, dig out of our financial crisis, then reassess where things are before we make major - or even a lot of minor - decisions. But I’m guessing the lessons we’ve learned during this journey will stay with us for some time.

What about you? Has the recession impacted how you do or don’t live green? Leave your comment below or join us for the APLS blog carnival. Submit your post to goinggreenmama at gmail by Aug. 15. And watch for a wrapup of the discussion here on Aug. 19.

Day 369 of unemployment: Looking for a few good prayers

Mommy guilt is bad enough. You feel guilty for working outside the home. You feel guilty when you don't work outside the home. You feel guilty, period.

Today is one of those guilty days. I pulled out of the driveway this morning, watching two sad faces stare at me from behind the door. That's after 10 minutes of kids clinging to me, crying and asking why I have to go to work and can't we just have a family day.

I should be grateful on one level that they stay home five days a week with their father. Today is not one of them. Today, I wish for nothing but "normalcy."

Today, I hear the frustrations of a coffee-less husband who's already tense from the fussing at breakfast. Apparently the toddler's sense of "food" and ours didn't mesh.

Today, I hear the frustrations through the phone when the larger cloth diapers I'd bought on craigslist leaked and he had to change diapers and clothes and wash the carpet.

Today, I hear the disappointment in my husband's voice when he talks about how the interview he'd pinned his hopes on last week hasn't materialized into anything and that the hundreds of applications he's placed over the last year have meant nothing. Calls and e-mails go unreturned. Job fairs feel like cattle calls worse than American Idol. And all that results is a loss of time.

Today, I don't have any answers or words that can help. So I'm looking for a few good prayers.

Making ends meet

Great post on Casaubon's Book on bartering to build relationships and get by in difficult times: http://sharonastyk.com/2009/05/07/barter-baby-barter.

When someone you know is a statistic

This weekend, our family marks one year since my husband lost his job. He’s hardly alone. In Indiana, the “official” unemployment rate hovers around 10 percent, and that’s not including those no longer on the unemployment compensation rolls or have settled for part-time or underpaying positions.

Walk down your street, look down the aisle of your church pew or scan your conference room table, and you’ll likely see someone who’s become a statistic in this economy. Or their roommate, spouse, significant other or family member is.

There’s a lot of people needing support out there. And not just financially.

So today, I’m going off-topic and offering a little unsolicited advice for the nine out of 10 (or whatever the stats really are) Americans who are still working today.

If you know someone who is out of work, is underemployed or is otherwise impacted by unemployment in their household:

• Realize that people need more support as time passes. While many may be able to eek by for a month or two, as time passes and savings wane, uncertainly and stress levels increase. Moral support is needed more than ever!
• Offer friendship, not a handout. One of the things that impressed me most about this journey was when a friend asked me to teach her to make Chinese – then came over with groceries. We had a great evening, she learned how to cook Chinese, and she was able to help our family in a way that didn’t feel like a “handout.”
• If you can’t relate, it’s OK. Saying things like “It’s a bad economy” (really?) or “I was a broke college student once” makes you seem callous. And frankly, it doesn’t make the other party feel any better. Just as I can’t relate completely to my single friend who’s worried about her safety net in a few months, she can’t completely relate to the fact that our income is cut in half and we have $400 available each month to cover utilities, daily needs, medicine, day care when my husband is in class, and anything else required to care for our family. Admit you can’t completely relate. But be there to listen.
• We’re happy for your success, but don’t rub it in. We don’t necessarily want to hear how you can now pay an extra $1,000 a month on your student loans or share every intricate detail about your new car you bought to celebrate a new job.
• Don’t isolate us. Unemployment is isolating enough due to embarrassment, frustration or lack of resources. Ask how it’s going. And listen. Or talk about politics, sports or the other things that happen the other 128 hours or so of the week when you're not at work.
• Reconnect with us cheaply. Hang out with a cookout, for a beer at home, or a pizza and movie night. Friendship shouldn’t have to end just because someone can’t go to dinner or an expensive evening out.
• Don’t assume we wouldn’t be interested in a lead. When you’re trying to keep a roof over your head or support your family, flipping burgers, working retail or signing up with a temp agency isn’t above us. Even if it’s not ideal, it feels good to be doing something about your financial situation.
• Offer a networking coffee, particularly later in the search when frustrations begin to increase.
• Most of all, just listen.

Life when you're un- or underemployed

If you're wallet's feeling a bit lighter lately, it's understandable, as more and more of us are losing their jobs.

Here's a little secret: You can survive. We're on month 10 of being a one-income family, and somehow we're living to tell about it.

Amazingly enough, we've not only not missed a mortgage payment but also are less than $1,000 deeper in credit than we were when this happened. And that's with having to charge a full semester of college tuition and books since we didn't qualify for financial aid.

I'm grateful that I still have a job that provides health insurance, and that we're able to make most of our bills on my salary. Even so, lots of little things came into play, and for all of those events and angels out there, we are grateful.

Don't get me wrong. It's taken a lot of work and effort on our family's part. We're more conscious about what we spend. We are more conscious about the resources we use. We scrutinize everything. We get tired of mac and cheese (OK, the over-4 contingent is). And I admit that we could do better.

But the thing is, someday, our family will get through this.

And so will you.

Related posts:

• Environmentalism is easy when you're unemployed
• 10 simple ways to go green without losing green
• Heating up your home but not your bills
• Making choices in a tough economy
• Life lessons on going green

Environmentalism is easy when you're unemployed

Environmentalism is easy when you're unemployed. I'm convinced of that.

We are on day 3 of being a one-income household with two-income expenses. We've done the math, and it's not pretty.

Focusing on the positive, there are some good things about being broke. It can have a positive impact on my contribution toward the environment. Such as:

• Less gasoline being used, as we have one less commute (though it was short) and unemployment and job applications are virtually all done online anymore.
• By limiting (and eventually eliminating - a cranky, cold-turkey, caffeine-addicted person is not what this family needs right now!) my Diet Coke consumption, I'm reducing the energy needed to recycle aluminum.
• No eating out or plastic soda cups from Speeedway means less unrecyclable waste.
• By vastly curtailing my grocery spending and making everything from scratch (as opposed to a box), we will likely be eating better in the long run. Beans, rice and pasta do less harm to the environment than the animals who have to eat the grains first. (Plus, I might lose those last few baby pounds.)
• Fans are staying on; the A/C is staying off, lowering my electric bill.
• I'll dust off my baby food recipe book and my vegetarian grilling cookbook that has for years collected dust and use the produce from the CSA that I thankfully bought from earlier this spring to expose my family to new tastes and a healthier lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong. I'd like to be able to afford all of my bills next month, but at least there's a small (OK very small) silver lining to all of this.